Last week, Mother's Day was celebrated. It brought back memories of being alone in the hospital room with my baby hooked up to machines. I recall the mixed emotions of being grateful with resentment all running through my veins. How can I be grateful, yet hating where I was? How or what more can I endure as a mother or even as a person? Why my child? Why me? Why us? What did I do or not do to deserve this? I was questioning my worth every single day. Through the many days of slow progress, I stepped into an internal battlefield that no one could see. No one. Not my own mother, my good girlfriends or my then husband could see. I fought alone to stay a float and to keep my mind level headed so my baby could see a strong mother fight her battles.
There was one particular day, I had such a big pity and anger party with myself. I was filled with anger that once again, I was cheated out of having a what I wanted - a simple happy normal life. I cried angry tears and told myself to suck it up and deal with it. As the nurse took my daughter for an x-ray, I gave myself 15 minutes to get some food and fresh air. As I ran down the stairs filled with anger, I was not my best self. I rushed and was not feeling in the mood to be anything. Once the elevator stopped, I ran out in a mad rush. A mad rush only to be halted by dead silence and everyone standing still. It was dead silent in a lobby that was 24/7 filled with loudness of the coming and goings of a hospital. There was no movement in the lobby. People were frozen standing still. A loud church bell rang. I stepped slowly to look around the corner. It was a memorial. There was a table with pictures of children who had just passed. I froze. I did not move. I stood amongst the many parents, friends and family who were there to acknowledge the loss, fight and that life is so fleeting.
The moment shook me to my core and that I had every reason to still fight and push my anger aside. It was traumatic to feel a certain way, and then all of a sudden, reality was in my face - things could be worse. It was more than coincidence that this memorial happened when it did. It was a sign addressed to me, I know for myself, that I was blessed than most to still be fighting for a chance that others would switch to be in my place in a heartbeat.
To you, if you are still fighting, its ok. It's ok to feel all the emotions. Let it run through you, and know that it will pass. Accept that it is a feeling and it is here to teach and show us - show us the path of what our journey is to be. Truly, see this trial as a gift worth fighting for. Because it is.